Being a Kowakian monkey-lizard means you don’t get much respect. But judge this creature by its size, you must not. Especially one that goes by the name of Salacious B. Crumb. It might seem odd to label Salacious as a creature worthy to be feared, especially when the galaxy is filled with scary beasts and villains. However, as Star Wars has shown us, it’s always the one cackling in the corner that we should be most afraid of. (We’re looking at you, Palpatine.) If you’re still not convinced of this creature’s prowess, here are some reasons why Salacious B. Crumb is scarier than you might think — just in time for Halloween!
1. He knows all the secrets.
Throughout his time as Jabba’s jester, Salacious saw a lot of drama — powerful people making shady deals, guests pleading not to be thrown into the rancor pit, and a Jedi Knight attempting to use a mind trick on the Hutt. Salacious knows all the secrets, and that’s a frightening thought. Any dirt he has on a person, he will absolutely use it for his own personal gain. Or even worse, his own amusement. Salacious has no loyalties, except to Jabba. He has no moral code. He loves seeing Jabba torment others, even when it’s a fellow entertainer of the court, like Oola. There is no one who is closer to Jabba than Salacious, both in friendship and in proximity. Always be wary of the person whispering in the boss’ ear. Especially when it’s Salacious B. Crumb.
2. Wicked sense of humor.
Getting roasted by a comedian is brutal. Especially if they mimic the person they are verbally skewering. And Salacious became known in Jabba’s palace for being a great imitator. Sometimes he’d mercilessly tease Jabba’s captives. Other times he’d mimic Jabba himself, much to the Hutt’s amusement. In fact, it was Salacious’ hilarious antics that kept him alive and in good favor with his crime boss. That was the deal, after all — if he could amuse Jabba, the Hutt would let Crumb eat and drink as much as he wanted, and live to see another day. Being funny is how Salacious gained power and protection. Whether it was cackling along with Jabba, or mocking a palace guest, Salacious knew that the key to staying alive was to keep everyone laughing.
3. Judge him by his size, do you?
The galaxy is a dangerous place for a creature like Crumb, especially when there are rat-catchers around. In the wild, Kowakian monkey-lizards travel in packs because there is safety in numbers when you’re two-feet-tall. Amazingly, Salacious did quite well for himself going solo, and part of that is because of his small stature. He can steal anything from food to Imperial credits before anyone would know it was missing. If ever he needs to hide, he can climb up to the rafters or scurry underneath a pillow. You never know where he might be lurking which makes him the perfect spy for his master. Because of his diminutive size, some people might think of him as an underdog and therefore underestimate his abilities. However, Kowakian monkey-lizards are capable of using a weapon like a blaster. Not to mention, they have a sharp beaked mouth that can do some serious damage in a fight. One can only imagine what Crumb would have done to poor C-3PO if R2-D2 hadn’t intervened on the sail barge.
4. The cuteness factor.
It takes real skill to negotiate with one of the most vile gangsters in the Outer Rim. When Salacious was a stowaway on Jabba’s starship, the creature managed to save his life by making a deal with Jabba. How was Crumb able to successfully bargain with the Hutt when so many others have failed? Never underestimate the cuteness factor. While Salacious is not conventionally adorable like a porg or an Ewok, there is something special about that Kowakian monkey-lizard. As the mole-flea named Lugubrious Mote once said, “he was blessed with a panoply of physical features suitable for a crowd-pleasing clown: floppy ears, messy hair, wide-and-oh-so-hypnotic eyes, gangly limbs, clumsy movements, and an infectious cackle.” In short, he’s comically cute. Here on Earth people coo and snuggle with their cat or dog, but on Tatooine, Jabba the Hutt cuddles with Crumb. There is no doubt Salacious is Jabba’s precious pet. The creature spends most of his days cozying up to the Hutt and nestled in Jabba’s tail. And in true pet fashion, Crumb loves tracking Jabba’s tail move back and forth, like a cat watching a laser pointer. People are protective of their pets and form strong bonds with them. Just ask Malakili. Did Salacious lean into his cutie-pie side when he was trying to stay alive? Absolutely. His quirky charm may not have worked on everyone, but it earned him a secure spot on Jabba’s dais and that’s all that matters.
In the wild on planet Kowak, Kowakian monkey-lizards use laughing as a way to scare off any predators. Their laugh has power, and perhaps the reason why is because it is so haunting. Some might say it’s also annoying. Regardless, that shrill shriek definitely leaves a lasting impression. Just imagine being dropped into the rancor pit and the last thing you hear before facing your fate is the cackle of a Kowakian monkey-lizard from up above. Remember, nothing good ever comes from being the target of a Salacious B. Crumb joke.
Jennifer Landa is an actress, host, and crafter. Follow her on Twitter @JenniferLanda and for more Star Wars-inspired content, visit her YouTube channel at YouTube.com/JenniferLanda.
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